In the first in this 3-part series, we talked about the foundations of mentoring, its many virtues and its guiding principles. We also suggested a basic framework to establishing a powerful mentoring relationship. In this article, let’s look at some of the common pitfalls.

And this is important because it can be easy for the uninformed to view mentoring as just a conversation. And when that’s our take on the mentoring relationship, we don’t give thought to its craft – or the pitfalls that exist.

As we learnt in Part 1, mentoring is not an informal chat. It’s not a casually social relationship. It’s not an excuse for us to harp on with our opinions and unsolicited advice. And it’s not inactive and uninvolved listening.

There is a science and an art to mentoring. And subtle blockers definitely exist.

Here are the 6 most common pitfalls – and some thoughts on how to eradicate them from your mentoring engagements.

Having an agenda.

“Agenda” is mostly a zero-sum game: if I’m not on my agenda, I’m on someone else’s. And of course, we can align those agendas at some level and, as a result, all move forward. But more often than not, these considerations are subconscious and we don’t think of alignment. Rather, we are driven by low-level fear and either unconsciously bow to the agenda of others; or push our own agenda, sometimes to quite destructive ends.

In your next mentoring conversation, move beyond this blocker by getting you and your mentee clear on the higher level purpose that brings you together; and then temporarily adopting that agenda as your own. Also, consciously let go of your personal agenda. Some people find it useful to use the word “Release” to experience that sense of letting go.

But as a mentor, you also need to offer guidance, temperance and challenge. And those qualities might be undermined if you obsess exclusively over the agenda of your mentee. To find that calibrating 10% (with 90% the mentee’s agenda), simply come from a place of service. Service is the key to offering strong challenge that remains committed to the agenda.

Feeling superior.

The mentor/mentee relationship, by definition, distinguishes the two parties in terms of their status and experience. (Although I’m going to challenge myself on that thought immediately: I remember a past client making the very observant judgement that mentors can be everywhere and anyone. A useful thought.) Given that suggestion of inequality, it can be easy to slip into feelings of being superior.

The issue of coming from a place of “I’m superior to you” or “I know more than you do” is that it simply doesn’t work. It is a blocker to rapport and connection, it is less likely to create the safe conversational space we’re looking for, and it tempts us to drive the engagement, rather than let it develop and evolve.

A useful tactic here is to follow solid best practice, setting-up the conversation. In addition to building safety and rapport by clarifying points of confidentiality and timing, remind the mentee (in essence, you’re also talking to yourself!) that this is their mentoring session. Co-create the agenda together, getting their input first and only adding your thoughts if you really think it will be beneficial. Also, continually seek permission at each stage of the conversation, and before taking any element of the conversation deeper.

Taking responsibility.

As the mentor, we can feel the burden of responsibility to make this relationship work. And whilst it is a collaboration and whilst the health of the working relationship is an onus for both parties, it is the mentee who has responsibility for their learning, growth and the meeting of their objectives. For the mentor to take responsibility is to deny the ownership of the mentee. That is: people pleasing over people serving.

What does not taking responsibility look like? This is an interesting question because it puts front-and-centre the thinking issue, here: if I don’t take responsibility, I am being irresponsible. Of course, the logical mind can see this is about what we take responsibility for; but the emotional mind perhaps doesn’t make the distinction.

So: not taking responsibility (for those factors that the mentee needs to own) looks like the mentor taking strong responsibility for the structure of the engagement, “holding” the conversational space, promoting the professional nature of the relationship, maintaining boundaries and managing the process. The “content” is the mentee’s to own.

Failing to engage.

What do we mean by “engagement”? I like to think of engagement in terms of a person being “switched on” and “lit up” by a topic, person or project. When we’re engaged, we know the feelings: we’re connected; we’re in flow; we’re energised; we lean in. When we’re not, it’s quite the reverse. And failing to engage with your mentee will hamper all other elements of your mentoring work.

To ensure engagement, there are two major considerations: hygiene factors; and inspiration/motivation. Engagement and trust go hand-in-hand. So, work hard on basic elements like confidentiality in sessions; and integrity, outside of sessions. Keep to agreements. And perhaps be willing to share a little personal information of your own. From that foundation, get to know your mentee, what drives and motivates them and when they seem at their most inspired. Use these insights to connect deeply with them.

Fostering dependency.

In any supportive relationship, whether that be leading, managing, training, coaching or mentoring, there exists a strong potential for either or both parties to become dependent on the other. All our work and effort goes to creating a positive and effective relationship; and that good effect translates into thoughts such as “I need this support” and “I couldn’t do that without this support”; and on the other side, thoughts like “I am needed” and “without me, this couldn’t/wouldn’t/won’t happen”.

Address this pitfall by first bringing into conscious awareness the idea of dependency. With your filters switched on, you’ll then be able to notice signs and symptoms of increasing dependency in your mentee, such as a reluctancy to move ahead without your approval, or a concern for any extended break in the engagement. You’ll also need to practise noticing your own increasing dependencies on the mentee – something far trickier to do because it simply won’t look, sound or feel like a problem!

One great way to address the potential issue of dependency is to put it out there. Bring it up at the outset of the mentoring project with your mentee, and then regularly throughout the engagement. Work together to determine how you’ll collaborate to ensure it doesn’t become an issue. And make commitments to one another to address the issue with candour and fearlessness.

Worrying about adding value.

A common worry for all those in the helping professions is: am I adding value? This comes from all sorts of places, not least of which is the deep desire to make a meaningful contribution that brings so many to these disciplines in the first place. But if this pattern of thinking is not kept in check, it can turn into a very self-serving need to be liked, acknowledge and recognised; and ultimately, serves to undermine your goals and objectives, as a mentor.

To overcome this pitfall, start by practising the skill of noticing that sense of worry about adding value, in the moment. Then, to interrupt those thought patterns: notice the exaggerated focus on the self, rather than on the mentee. And take steps to place the focus back on the mentee and their objectives. When I am focused on my mentee, it is impossible for me to also hold on to these unhelpful thoughts.

By all means: continue to check-in on the progress and effectiveness of the mentoring programme with your mentee; but (to return to Point #1 above) come from their agenda.