A high-degree of dialoguing skill is a prerequisite of team performance and effective leadership. It’s also relatively rare, especially in the moments when it’s needed most.

The etymology of the word “dialogue” comes from the Greek and implies “the flow of meaning”. It is a shared inquiry that surfaces ideas, explores uncertainties and generates shared understanding.

Although we talk all the time, we rarely “dialogue”, tending instead to enter conversations with pre-prepared ideas and intended outcomes; and/or tending to avoid any uncomfortable exploration of gaps in understanding.

The move AWAY from effective dialogue is even more common and its negative impact even more pronounced in the difficult conversations.

We experience these challenges in all sorts of exchanges; but today I’m thinking particularly of the interaction between leader and team member (or team).

How often is it that a leader makes a request that is, to their mind, abundantly clear, only for the team member (or team) to fail to deliver in some way, for some reason, or to some standard?

I regularly hear this complaint from clients. When I think back over my own career, I can think of MANY firsthand experiences, both as disappointed leader and befuddled team member. And I’m sure you have your own stories, too.

Why does this repeatedly happen?

As the leader in the exchange, it might be helpful to kickstart that personal inquiry by asking yourself:

What is the conversation we’ve NOT had? 🤔

Of course, we think we’ve had all the conversation that’s required. But if that were true, we’d have our outcome. There are blind spots here, somewhere; and I think the most effective way to shed some light is to create a SAFER space for MORE MEANINGFUL dialogue.

Leaders are scary! 😧

Look back at my previous post about the limitations of the brain. Chief among them: the ease with which we’re threatened. This is as true for social threat, as it is for physical threat. And this exchange (leader to team member) is one of the moments of highest social-threat potential.

With that in mind: here’s something to experiment with, in your upcoming conversations. Instead of focusing on more detail and explanation, focus on creating a safer space.

You might do this by:

Slowing the conversation down.
Clarifying conversation purpose.
Increasing attention on the goal.
Asking better questions.
Dialling-up the recognition.
Sharing a vulnerability.
Leaving more silence.
Asking how best to support them.
Saying what they can count on from you.
Discussing levels of responsibility.
Asking how this feels to them.
Agreeing Action Number One.

Look back on your recent conversations. Scale of 1 – 10, how safe would your conversational partner rate the exchange? And what could you do to dial that up?

What do you do when your team aren’t doing what’s been discussed? Create safer spaces for more meaningful dialogue.