Tough Love. 7 Steps to Delivering Difficult Messages.

There are, out there, leaders and managers who are simply unwilling to deliver a tough message to a poor performer. Despite the detrimental impact of that under performance. Despite the obvious need for a strong conversation. Despite knowing, in our heart-of-hearts, it’s the best – and only – thing to do.

And it’s easy for us to judge another leader/manager for not having that tough conversation. But when the time comes for us to be that person delivering a difficult message, we too can shrink from the challenge.

We fear no longer being liked. We fear a falling out. We fear conflict. We fear our deeply embellished story of what could happen.

And so, we delay and hesitate and circumvent. We ask for more input, collect facts, seek advice on handling, get reassurances and backing for our stance. All, in themselves, good ideas – when they’re not procrastination strategies. But they usually are. A form of lying low, hoping the need will simply vanish.

But whilst delivering the tough message is indeed tough, it’s a service to the recipient to have that conversation. (And a disservice not to.) For those that can learn to deliver honest, fair and productive evaluations, it’s a chance to help someone capitalise on a pivotal career moment.

Here are 7 thoughts to help you be of deep service to your people, at those times when a tough message needs to be heard.

1) Make it timely.

There’s little use bemoaning an example of under performance 6 months down the line. Better to talk in the moment – and give the person the opportunity to make changes before things really deteriorate.

2) Get to the point.

Although a tough message is difficult to hear, the situation will not be helped by superfluous details, mixed messages and confused points. Talk about behaviour, attitude, evidence, impact and next steps in as straightforward a manner as you can.

3) Keep behaviour and person distinct.

Be crystal clear that your feedback is about their (temporary) behaviour, and not them as a person. Take care with your language to help draw this distinction. And keep suggested changes (which are best co-created) to behavioural, not personal.

4) Get their input.

This is a conversation, not a lecture: adult-to-adult, not parent-to-child. Check-in with the other person, get their viewpoint – and really listen!

5) Welcome and work with disagreement.

They are allowed to disagree. They are allowed to have an alternative viewpoint. And they are allowed to express those things. Watch for making decisions before hearing their side; and for feeling a need to “win” the discussion. This is about moving forward as a team.

6) Co-create what success looks like.

With your clear and succinct feedback, their input (to which, you’ve listened deeply) and the acknowledgement of any disagreement, work together to get clear on what success looks like – for all concerned.

7) Clarify and agree next steps.

The keyword here is agree. Don’t allow the conversation to finish in disagreement, or worse, expectation. Watch for both these states: if it’s a lot of expectation from you, get their input on creating an agreement. If it’s a lot of disagreement, keep talking or reschedule for another time. This isn’t done yet.

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